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Marriage and Relationships

Marriage relationships are a central part of God's design for human connection and serve as a powerful picture of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Church At The Cross teaches that because marriage reflects the gospel, it becomes a target for spiritual attack, making gospel-centered relationship skills essential for thriving marriages.

The Foundation: Gospel-Shaped Relationships

At the zenith of God's creation, He made Adam and Eve as husband and wife in perfect relationship with God, each other, and creation. However, when Genesis 3 happened and sin entered the world, all relationships became broken. As one pastor explains, "Adam and Eve rebel against God and sin and brokenness and the curse, it all falls like a bomb from a plane" (Gospel Fueled Marriage Skills, 3:00).

This brokenness affects all our relationships today. We are born into that brokenness, and "all of our relationships now are a battleground of brokenness. And nothing humanity can do is able to reverse the effects of the curse of sin and fix those broken relationships. It takes the gospel of Jesus Christ" (Gospel Fueled Marriage Skills, 3:37).

The good news is that the gospel provides new potential—the power to live in gospel ways that transform our relationships, especially marriage.

Five Gospel-Fueled Relationship Skills

Based on Ephesians 4:29-5:2, Church At The Cross teaches five essential directives for building strong marriages that reflect the gospel:

1. Communicate Constructively

This involves two key elements:

Eliminate Corrupting Talk: Ephesians 4:29 commands, "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths." The word "corrupting" means rotten, putrid, or poisonous words—language that tears others down. "Don't use your words to tear down your spouse. Harsh, poisonous words can do more damage than a spark that burns a forest to ashes or a hole that sinks a ship to the bottom of the ocean" (Gospel Fueled Marriage Skills, 11:47).

Build Up with Grace: Replace harsh words with speech "that builds up, that are infused with grace." As Proverbs 12:18 teaches, "The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing" (Gospel Fueled Marriage Skills, 12:49).

A crucial principle emerges: "What you speak to people over time, they will start to live up to or down to" (Gospel Fueled Marriage Skills, 14:22). This means consistently speaking words of encouragement and building up your spouse rather than using them as "the punchline of your jokes" (Gospel Fueled Marriage Skills, 15:01).

2. Stay in Step with the Spirit

Ephesians 4:30 warns, "And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God." This directive reminds us that these relationship skills must be pursued "in union with Christ through his spirit" (Gospel Fueled Marriage Skills, 16:23).

The Spirit produces godliness in our lives, but this requires intentional connection with Christ through daily Bible reading and prayer. When relationship challenges arise, "we need more of Jesus filling every nook and cranny of our heart. So when the trials come upon us, Jesus comes out of us" (Gospel Fueled Marriage Skills, 17:07).

3. Take Out the Trash

Ephesians 4:31 lists destructive attitudes that must be "put away": bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, slander, and malice. These represent "the foul stench of anger and bitterness in all of its varieties and expressions" that "have no place among the people of God" and "no place in a marriage relationship" (Gospel Fueled Marriage Skills, 20:38).

When provoked, "don't take the easy way out. Don't raise your voice and yell. Pause. Take a deep breath. Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ" (Gospel Fueled Marriage Skills, 22:19). Remember that "your spouse is not the enemy" (Gospel Fueled Marriage Skills, 22:37).

4. Commit to Kindness

The positive command following the removal of anger is found in Ephesians 4:32: "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted." Even in complicated marriage situations, the starting point is simple: "Be kind. And I know they can do it because I've seen it... They can turn it off and they can turn it on. So turn it on with your spouse" (Gospel Fueled Marriage Skills, 23:18).

This command also serves as a strong prohibition against any form of abuse. "Physical, emotional, spiritual abuse are a sin against God and a sin against others. It is not the way of kindness and compassion" (Gospel Fueled Marriage Skills, 24:02).

5. Freely Forgive

Ephesians 4:32 continues: "forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." This acknowledges that "in our relationships there's going to come a moment, maybe many moments of failure and falling" (Gospel Fueled Marriage Skills, 24:57).

"Every Christian, every husband, every wife needs to learn how to say at least two things: I'm genuinely sorry and I completely forgive you" (Gospel Fueled Marriage Skills, 25:41).

The Gospel Motivation

The motivation for these relationship skills isn't earned or conditional—it flows from the gospel itself. Ephesians 5:1-2 explains: "Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us."

We are called to treat our spouses with kindness, forgiveness, and love not because they deserve it, but because this is how God in Christ has treated us. These skills reflect the character of Christ and display the gospel through our marriages.

Practical Application

Church At The Cross encourages specific steps for implementing these principles:

The ultimate goal is developing "the kind of marriage relationship that God has ordained" (Gospel Fueled Marriage Skills, 9:51)—one that serves as a beautiful picture of Christ's love for the church and draws others to the gospel.